Tips for Surviving the Paranormal that I Just Made Up.

    You're screwed on so many levels. You went somewhere, at sometime, done a certain special thing, and now logic has turned on itself and it's a matter of life as a catatonic wreck or horrible, painful death. What the fuck do you do now, sweet protagonist? Luckily for you, I have some helpful tips that are totally fictional and have no guarantee of actually being helpful so that you might survive after all.

• Stay Awake: Yes, sleeping is a necessity. But you know what else is a necessity? Breathing... which you won't be doing very much of once your DEAD AS A MOTHERFUCKING DOOR NAIL! Actually, try to keep your eyes open at all times. Something wicked this way comes, and it's coming when you aren't looking.
• Get a Pet: Cats and dogs preferred. Our furry friends seem to be able to sense supernatural threats on a much higher level than we can. Keep on close to you at all times and when all else fails, simply throw them at said threat and run like hell.
• Never Go Camping: Instead, why don't you spend your vacation at a nice public beach in a safe, secure, chain hotel.
• Making Deals With the Devil is a Bad Idea: Look up Satan online. If you see him being described as "Trustworthy" and " a genuinely nice guy", call me.
• Don't Believe Everything You See in the Movies:  For example, how the hell does being bitten by a zombie turn you into a zombie? Zombie venom? You get turned into a zombie by getting bitten in the same way Red Bull gives you wings.
• Trust Your Gut: If going down to your creepy basement that keeps making noises in the night after the powers gone out feels like a bad idea, it's probably a bad idea.
• Brush Up on Your Knowledge: Did you know Japanese priests cleanse ruins by waving a katana around? This method is completely effective against corporal forms. It also works with a chainsaw against other things.
• Be Careful Who You Trust: Can you really count on them?
• Stay in the City: You're most vulnerable when you're alone. It's best to stay with civilization, even if the rent is atrocious.
• Write Your Will  and Plan Your Funeral: Not everyone can be the hero. Just remember that you had a good life.

    If you follow this advice, you're almost 50% guaranteed to make it out okay. I promise. Good luck!